Sunday, January 29, 2006
As we said t'other day GIRLS ALOUD are COMING TO OZ! OMGLOLLOLOL!!111!!ONE!! - I can't believe we are actually having proper popstars in our country again - however, the importance of this event can't be overstressed - hopefully, the girls are here TO WORK and will do some amazing things.

However, Claire and I have prepared a short media guide for hopefully the bank of newspaper and radio people who attend - read the rules, and follow them meedja people! We posted this before on our own Liz, but really, it's a good guide, and no one reads our Liz, and since this is the resource point, it's time for a refresher course!

"Thankyou for attending todays media gathering/event/koala hugging photo opportunity involving the British Girl Band Girls Aloud - please find attached a specially prepared media guide for the event

#1. Contrary to the impression you may have got from the enclosed photos, the bands leader is actually Nicola. I realise that in some photos, all you can see is a wisp of hair, but this is just a ploy and an example of her selflessness. In fact, it is band policy that all initial questions be directed at Nicola, who you will find an expansive and intriguing individual with a lot to say. Ask her anything, from her views on the history of Jewish Repatriation, to the chances of Liverpool retaining the Champions League, and she will astound you with her wit - you should phrase your questions to her along the lines of "Nicola, as band leader..."

#2 - Please also follow this policy of referring to Nicola as the band leader and asking her all first questions also when considering who gets to hold the koala, who gets to be held in the air by 5 lifesavers, who gets to kick the footy etc.

#3 - Now THAT is out of the way, here are the remaining rules - firstly, in accordance with the Darryl Somers Law, you can ask once (AND ONLY once) "How do you like Australia" - in some markets, you can adapt this to "How do you like (insert place here)", but spend it wisely.

#4 - Girls Aloud are a Seminal, important Pop band - please, if you are attending this event, please have sent your best man/woman, if you have sent the "humorous" breakfast jokers who will giggle like Beavis and Butthead, and say "Hey, you aren't the Spice Girls!" or "Tweedy Pie" "Or what is it you have to do to see the Show, buy a showbag, fnuh, fnuh", your accreditation will be removed - Nova, if you've sent Dave O'Neill, you will be banned from all future events.

#5 - Importantly, Girls Aloud are NOT "Britains answer to anyone" - they are not Britains answer to the Pussycat Dolls (Wilkins, I'm looking at YOU!) or Bardot or anyone - they are Girls Aloud, any other explanation is bogus, and will make you look stupid.

#6 - Odd as it may seem to some of your journalists, actually seeing proper pop stars in glamorous outfits shouldn't scare you - it's just that some countries still do make Pop stars. I realise it's a mad, crazy idea here in Australia, just a pipe dream really, but one day, if we club together, our "pop" industry might not be a complete embarrassment - in fact, you might like to ask one of them (I don't know - Nicola maybe?) how we might get better at Pop?

#7 - It's important to realise that Jump, their only Australian hit, is their worst song, so don't bring it up, K? In fact, why not suggest some much better cover versions for them to do (like Ricochets, or Take It From Me?) - bringing up Jump will again make you look a twat, especially if you ask what it was like working with Hugh Grant.

#8 - Yes, Girls Aloud did come from a reality TV show - do NOT use this as an excuse to drag out our horrendous collection of god awful reality TV show winners and contestants - Girls Aloud are far too important and wonderful to be dragged next to Lee "Hardcore" Harding - again,

#9 - As far as the individual members go (ONLY when you have finished questioning Nicola) - don't ask Cheryl anything about thumping that bird, or her engagement, or anything too controversial really - it's not a record company thing, it's for your own safety, so you don't get a mardy slap. Don't bring up that whole thing about Nadine lying about her age on Irish Popstars, Sarahs drinking problem, or ask if Kimberley Walsh is related to Mike Walsh ("Dave O'Neill? Get OUT NOW!") - Tweedy is DYING to give someone a big mardy slap, so don't let it be you! Treat them with the utmost respect, ask proper questions, and we'll all get along fine!

#10 - But really don't bring up Jump

See - easy!






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